a matter of Asian identity

case 1.
I was sitting in chatswood chase food court with friends a few days ago when an elderly asian lady walks up to me and asks if I'm japanese. Naturally I assume she's looking for directions so I reply no I'm not but Lynn (who was sitting next to me) can speak Japanese. so she goes to lynn and asks do you want to rent a room?
*confused and awkward silence* and we're like no... and lynn says we live here (in her polite lynn-way) and the little old lady asks again "so you don't want to rent a room"
yeh... i'm sure she was just a harmless old lady but it was kinda out of the blue. For a moment I thought she was a family friend who I'd forgotten or something. apparently not.

case 2.
job hunting can be a little nerve racking, and whilst i was walking through Chatswood westfield and Chase today, I realised that certain stores look for certain types of people. types of people that talk a certain way, move a certain way, dress a certain way. let me give you an example. Alannah Hill; skinny girls, wearing whimsical clothing and doll makeup. Boost; bubbly, extroverts. (I didnt apply at either of these places). Instead one of the places where i went to hand in a resume was at a sushi bar. I thought ok, i'm asian, they're asian. this shouldnt be too bad. they were really busy, which is understandable cos it was like around lunch time (hint: don't hand resumes to food places and cafes during lunch time) but i had plenty of time so i waited. when the customer flow died down a little. i walked up to the counter agaiin, and one of the asian lady's looks and me then hurriedly asks the asian guy making the sushi. who then shouts a hello to me in korean, and so i reply. sorry i don't speak korean. and then the guy kinda frowns and shakes his head at the lady (by then i obviously got the message) and so she comes over to me and says "sorry korean only".

case 3.
went to an italian restuarant last night for Tina's end of year basketball dinner. and as we come down the stairs two (rather large) Italian men, look me and my sister up and down and then say to my dad. "you have beautiful girls" and then adds "chinese people love Italian food". I almost asked him "do Italian people love Chinese food?"

case 4.
I was walking through Chatswood westfield today by myself and some middle aged european man starts walking beside me. he says the usual, you know "beautiful weather blah blah blah blah"
random "where are you from?"
me "I live here" *quickens pace*
random "oh you live here.. are you japanese?"
me "I'm not japanese"
random "oh you look japanese"
me *turns into Seduce*
was i panicky for no reason? what do you guys do when middle aged/old men make small talk. do i assume too early?
i don't know. it makes me feel intensely awkward.
and do i really look japanese?

Post hsc moments

I've missed hanging out with my mum during the hsc.
We were sitting in the kitchen after my last hsc exam and we ended up on the topic of goodlooking celebrities.
Reliving our chem titanic moments I said leonardo di caprio and mums like
"I like jack hughman."

haha :) I love you mum

train moments with strangers

today was a nice day :)
english ext went better than maths ext yesterday, so i really can't complain.
am I the only one who liked the creative better than the essay question?
everyone walked out saying how good the essay question was..
and i agree it wasn't as bad as i expected, but I didn't seem to engage with it all that well.
I didn't get that feeling where it just clicks, and you get into it.
oh well! :) just glad that its over.
now what do i do with all these essays?
i feel bad just chucking it away...

i like catching trains by myself. but don't start avoiding me on the train.. that's not what i mean.
it's just sometimes i enjoy just sitting there on the train, and not thinking about anything. and because hornsby to chatswood or visa versa is a good 30 minutes or so, it's nice to sometimes watch people go on and off. The best thing (well not reaaaally the BEST thing..) is when you sorta smile at a stranger and they smile back. (am i the biggest cheese or what). stop trying to imagine me sitting there and just smiling at randoms, it's true i probably do look like the world's biggest loser on city rail. so today i was sitting on the train heading back to chatswood, and as usual the semi-automatic sliding doors between compartments was broken, and you suddenly notice that it's really loud when the train starts moving. So there's this private girl sitting opposite me. probably in year 10 (total guess). and i know we are both thinking the same thing. damn you over-priced public transport system with faulty doors. so i get up, and with much struggling, i pull the doors closed. THEN two stops later, of course, people get on the train, and find all of a sudden that this carriage is not at all to their fancy, and must instead move to the adjacent carriage, through the faulty doors, and (of course) leaving said unclosing doors open. the noise returns. so there i am thinking. bugger it, someone's just going to walk through them again, i might as well just put up with the noise. but instead the girl opposite me, following my example goes and closes it, turns around and smiles at me. it was such a nice thing. i don't even know why. but when strangers do things for you that they really didn't have to, it just makes my day. That is my favourite thing about public transport. For half an hour of your day, your life comes into contact with another person, who you may never see again. someone who you will probably never know the name of. or care if they have an accident later that day, or spill coffee down their shirt. There's so much unspoken-ness on public transport. and i guess when you smile at someone, and they smile back it's just, nice. nice to know that an absolute stranger just said hi, "goodmorning to you to, i hope you have a good day" without saying a word at all. That makes me smile :)

second nice encounter today was in sportsgirl chatswood. sportsgirl chatswood and i share a strange relationship. it's sort of the place where i go after an exam. 9/10 times i won't buy anything, but it sort of tops off a nice, ordinary day. today after i got off at chatswood. i walk into sg, and im browsing around, and this bubbly shop assistant approaches me, and she says "I almost didn't recognise that uniform", and what do you know! she was a hornsby girl in '06. so we had a nice chat, about school and exams and being gradually numbed by the hsc. and it was just so sweet of her to come over and say hi.

then i walked home feeling like nothing could dampen my spirits. (no i truly did) not even when i got to the front door realised that i had no keys to actually get inside the house. mum was asleep from her night shifts, and dad was at work and tina wasnt going to get home till like 4. and it was not even 1:30 yet. so i sat on the door step, still just as happy, until dad called me to ask how my exam went and i told him that i couldnt get inside the house. In the end i managed to get in, by building a tower out of various buckets, spare pots and a mini table that i found in our front yard. I ended up breaking the bucket, by jumping on it, but on the plus side i got over the fence. kudos for me. Coco thought i was playing some game, so she was jumping up and down at the bottom of the fence, whilst i was hanging on for my dear life at the top. note to self: house keys.

then i went and walked coco, i ended up at the park for two hours :)
and that was pretty much my day.
my leg is sore from all this physical exertion. can't bring self to study, eurgh.

doggie

one of the best things about owning a dog, is that you become part of your neighbourhood's dog community, and not only do you make new friends but your dog does too :)

that being said, I saw the most beautiful breed of dog the other day, and I asked the owner, and they said it was a rhodesian ridgeback (not to be confused withe the norwegian ridgeback, which is the dragon in the fourth book of Harry Potter) lol.

Coco was sort of put off by that dog though... strangely because she usually gets along with everyone (dog and humans inclusive)

but I did some research, and it is a type of hound which has originated from Africa, but more muscular, and was used as a hunting dog for big game such as cheetahs and lions. It also is sometimes known as the lion dog. Their personality is very loyal, but can be head strong and obstinate at times, but will listen to an owner who is not meek, and easily pushed over. (damn) very sociable, if trained properly at a young age and allowed to socialise with other dogs, and they make very good jogging buddies (yay!)

maybe one day when I'm older and have a larger backyard, and learn how to reassert myself, I will get one :), definitely going to keep this breed in mind. You will understand when you see the dog in real life. It's huge! but when it runs it's like a horse, so graceful, smaller than a great dane, but similar build, with an amazingly sleek coat. and down its back it has a ridge of fur going in the opposite direction (hence the name).

I even found a name for my prospective pet, Zuri (meaning beautiful in Swahili). Yes, i'm getting a little over my head.

it is now part of my plan for when i move out.

buy a house. buy a puppy!

then maybe i'll think about marriage and kids.

or maybe I'll just become an old lady and live with my six dogs.

:)

xx

kt

p.s Coco is well, still as playful as ever even at one and a half, which is around 17 in dog years. So she's my age! she keeps my company when I study downstairs, and warms my feet in winter. and when you fall asleep, she sleeps next to you. :) She has chewed through all her toys bar one, and her old soccer ball. She ate my tissue this morning, after she ate a corner of my toasted sandwich. I couldn't imagine a day without her lost little face! I'm glad the weather's finally cleared so I can take a break from my studies to walk her this arvo :)

awkward

hi,

you know what's awkward?

guys you don't know shouting inappropriate things at you on the street from their cars.

and you don't want to look up at them, because you can feel them watching you and you wonder why you don't have the power to turn invisible at times like these.

kt.

i felt the need

i felt the need to blog,

after all... you only get to graduate from highschool once

and the more I think/write/talk about then the better i will remember it for the future (hopefully)

even now its hard to believe i've graduated.

it feels so surreal to think that i won't ever have a chemistry class accompanied by chocolate, an english class without Mrs Palgan's exaggerated expressions, an ancient class without chupachups and fractured fairytales or a maths class without Mr Payne's unexpected hilarity. (:D)

It's true. I'm going to miss the little things the most. the things that i took for granted everyday. i will miss the bell times, the running into roll call late, the carrying of textbooks, the eating of lunch at every other time except lunch, the breaking into song, the random comments, laughing with and being laughed at by my favourite girls in the world, the inside jokes, the cottage, the microwave in the cottage, the bits of food left behind in the microwave in the cottage. The insignificant things that cumulate to make high school life so significant.

i'm going to miss our immaturity,our stressful days, our tears when things don't turn out the way we planned.

I'll carry all this with me for as long as I can. I hope even when I'm 82 years old I can call you girls up and have wheelchair races down the corridors of Hornsby Girls' High.

kt

drowning

why does it feel like that every time i come up for a breath,
i only breath in a lung full of water.
my whole body is water logged and heavy, and i feel like there's no point in trying anymore.



things will better.
things will get better.
things will get better.
this is my mantra
you cannot defeat me. i will not give up.

i never knew...

没想到你会是这样的。。。
我希望你先在开心了。




颀，

Makato.

MAKATO.

dinner with mum and tina :)
sorry.. i keep blogging about food..
but this is as interesting as my life gets.
:(
but here's some seriously pretty sushi.
this place is defs worth trying out if your in chats :)
the long wait for a seat is worth it!

the food posted is actually in the opposite order in which it was eaten.
so no.. i don't eat my desert first...

black sesame icrecream :) love love love! i've been craving this since Alison's bday.

sushi.. not sure what was in it. i'm guessing the stuff on top is squid.

samon :) need i say more alison?
we're pretty yummy too. hahaha :):)
there were these two fat/buff/big guys sitting to the right of us. whilst we were taking our photos and we heard them say "they're f***ing obsessed with it", i'm guessing they're not used to teenage girls luvoing...
that didn't stop us from taking even more photos >:)

the gold plate ones were the best hahahaha. :)

okay. i'm done :)

520.

grey.

how is this going to work?
i'm going to trust you
because i don't know what i want anymore.

eating.

holiday eating habits...
today i have eaten....

3 slices of a french bread stick
with ham
and tomato..
brie cheese..
followed by a glass of milk
followed by a mug of continental soup
later today,
one cheese bread roll
followed by one yogurt
layered with cereal, more yogurt, more cereal, and yes you guessed it more yogurt, and more cereal.
followed by two slices of toast with a can of tuna

and i'll prolly have dinner in about an hour and a half from now.

and the thing is i dont have set meal times anymore except for dinner
i just waltz into the kitchen whenever im hungry and eat whatever i feel like.
which usually means multiple things because i want to eat them all.



oh well.
i might as well stuff myself while my body still lets me.
:)

yay

easter sunday

there's no food in the house today.
and the shops are closed
bahahaha.
i think dad tina and i are planning to live off whatever we can scavenge in the house
which will probably amount to two minute noodles and continental soup.
oh well,
dad will whip up something, as he does..
(hopefully)


now children, back to studying.

girlie day out

GIRLY DAY
our girly day at Joey's started with me waking up at 6:50 to get to school early
to sort out the hot cross bun orders
(unfortunately we didnt do as well as last year's, but we got quite a few orders.. thank goodness the teachers were generous, they bought quite a few, and that's going towardds our formal tickets girls! :) so we should be very thankful. on the contrary... we didnt get a single order from the year 9's! D: )

ok and then, once chloe got to school
we headed out onto the northshore line, which is apparently quite pretty :)
by now i had decided that it was not so great to wear heels in wet weather.. cos the rain just made the blisters wet... and increased the chafing. T__T

when we got to milsons point station, we ended up walking from one end of it to the other 3 -4 times to work out which side joey's apartment was on (definitely did not do my feet any favours! )
ok.
the pool was nice :)
we didnt really swim
just splashed around and wrestled each other, and piggy backed etc etc.
there was a person in the pool before us, but we soon scared her away >:)
(feel kinda bad cos we just barged in like excited 12 year olds at a pool party..)
it didnt take us long to get in the spa, it was so nice.
and then TO THE SAUNA!
we decided that we would then turn it into a girly day, so chloe and i went down to the local pharmacy and bought 5 facials :)
we looked so scary in our mud masks.. there were mirrors everywhere in the pool, and i scared myself everytime i looked in the mirror.
after that we managed to squeeze all five of us into one shower. (we had our swimmers on, so don't get any ideas!)
and we learnt that alison shampoos her hair twice.
and that we both lose a tonne of hair.

we had dinner at misuya on George street :)
real pretty place.
and all the waitresses say NUUU WORRIES!
which instantly makes them best friends with Alison.
and they had pretty nails too. :) as well as all being super polite.

then as usual,
we went to capitols, to take photos,
and passionflower for icecream to complete the day.
:)



YAY!
so much fun!!!
must do it again some time
THANKS JOEY!


kt

destressing

two days after half yearlies are over and done with.

last night i got all the candles out

and had an hour of darkness for the earth :)

but for most of it, we went and walked coco with dad and tina
its nice walking at night.
its quiet, serene.
spent some time just lying in the middle of the oval behind my house.
reminded me of the time i was on duke of ed, and i saw the most beautiful night sky i had ever seen.
the sky was literally filled with stars.

it was like God had taken a cup of stars and poured it on the sky.
never seen anything quite like that night.
well last night i was lying there on that oval, i got six mozzie bites.
and no i didnt see that sky, but i have never been that relaxed in a long time.
i was so happy.
no happy 's not the word.. more like content
just so content and appreciative of everything i had.
so glad that i had the opportunities to do what i want to do
and go to school
and even do the half yearlies
and just everything!
i had a silent d&m by myself lying on that empty oval last night at 9.
until coco came and slobbered all over my face. haha
:)



this is how i destress.



put on a facial. :)



trim my fringe



pluck my eyebrows.. damn they're growing back again...



first paint my nails with three coats of polish :)



then paint my toe nails with two of something bright



might go for another run later with COCO :)



cooking dinner with my mum is so enjoyable when i know there is no essay that needs to get written.











life doesnt get any better than this.







saw a scarf at SABA.



the cosiest woollen scarf ever.



and the wool wasn't prickly!







except it was $99..



so.. i guess i'm not going to be getting that scarf for winter..



lol everytime winter comes around i feel like getting a new scarf..



:)



actually sorta looking forward to winter.



i like winter uniform.



am i the only one not that excited to get the year 12 jersey?


hmm i kinda like the way our vest looks with the winter uniform.















sorry that was just a stream of conciousness.
this is what happens when i blog without anything to blog about.






byeeeee.

lyrics.

l

l

ll

ll

ll

they might say hi.

and i might say hey.

but you don't have to worry, about what they say.

'cause they got nothin' on you baby.

nothing on you baby.

:)

l

l

l

l

l

l

too tired

lll
l
l
l
l
llll
lll
l

but i know things will get better. I'm so over caring about my dark under eye circles right now . i just want those marks.

walking

we're going to get there.

no matter how daunting.

and if we stumble along the way, we'll haul each other up,

wipe each other's tears and keep on walking.

once in a while, we'll look back. but only as a reminder of how far we've come, never to consider walking back.

this sucks.

life just keeps getting worse..
just when you think you've hit it pretty low.
i tell myself things are going to start looking up soon.
just when you think "it's ok, i'll get through this, it'll pass"

i lost my train pass again.
not my first one
but my replacement one..
within three days of having it issued.

i'm praying that someone will be kind enough to return it to the school or the station.

i want to scream.

ruined my day.
couldnt do any english and exams are coming up
but its ok
im going to wake up at 6 tmr
and im going to go run 3km, to clear my head and release all this pent up stress
things are going to get better!!! :)

xx
kt

had a disagreement

it's been a while.

I had a disagreement with my mum, and as always it never really works out.

I'm not angry at her

I just wish she would trust me to make my own decisions, and the right ones at that.

I know i'm far from perfect, and I make A LOT of stupid choices. But i really don't think 4 hours of my sunday would make that much of a difference to my studies.

I can't blame her. She never went to church, and she was never Christian, and never met the people i've met there who are in all honesty some of the nicest people i believe i will ever get to meet.

i really wanted to make Chruch a regular thing.

a weekly thing.

I wish she would have listened.

I would have told her that going to church gives rythym to my life. more than just study every day, 7 days a week. I would have said, im not as strong as you mum. sometimes I can't do it alone like you have.

but all i could do was stand there like an idiot and cry. shake my head and tell her that she didn't understand.

I don't blame her. How can I? she's my mother and I owe absolutely everything to her.

someone told me that you really don't have the right to answer back to your parents, even if you know they're wrong, because they owe you nothing. and you owe them everything that you have to this day.

It's true. No matter how much i dislike it. and no matter how unfair i think it makes me feel, it's true

So I'm going to listen to my mum. I don't think i'll be going to church for a while. I'm going to study my hardest for the remianing eight months. And when I get what they expect from me. I'll pick my life up where i last left off.

it made me think of the first time that i realised my parents weren't perfect.

sometimes i wish i could crawl back under the blankets of my childhood and hide in my naivety and ignorance.

some things are just easier if you don't understand.

katie.

17th

the best way to celebrate something is with those you love :)

guys, thankyou for making my birthday so special.

don't you just hate those days when nothing works out?

those days when you wake up and you know from that feeling of dread and weariness that today is not going to be your day.

8: 12 am: realised i lost my train pass which was issued three days ago. and two of those days were during the weekend.

8:30 am : contact ripped. had to throw it away.

8:42: asked mum if she'd seen my train pass, got told reprimanded for being a complete airhead.

8:43: completely lost my apetite. toast is left in the toaster

8:55:. got in the car. late again. told off by dad for always carring stuff in my hands and not putting it in my bag. leads to the fact that i don't have an appropriate school bag. which leads to the fact that i should study hard this year and not worry about looking good.

9:00: ravenous in chemistry first period, so i eat my lunch. no food for the rest of the day.

4:30 : terrible tutoring lesson. i hate mathematical induction of inequalities.

7:00: house is out of electricity. mum goes to work. i turn the electricity back on outside.

8:15: no hot water, cold shower. ):

8:30: taking out contacts. brand new contact rips.

8:40: broke down in front of Tina.

what a crappy day.

but you know what that means right?

tomorrow i'm getting a good day, beacuse i've pretty much had my share of crappiness for this entire week.

xx

kt

...

.

.

.

.

.

can someone please tell me what just happened?

.

.

.

.

.

songs i one day hope to sing for and with the people i love :)

officially missing you by Tamia.

Only hope- OST of A walk to remember (i have to watch this movie) by Mandy Moore.

My heart will go on- who else but Celine Dion. still love it despite its overdone, and over-cliched status. :)

Fifteen- Taylor Swift. The truest lyrics she's written yet.

thats all for now.
sten, i loved the bees knees today.
we definitely have to eat there some time.

and, what other songs did you have in mind? i want to sing with you guys, gives me relief from my studies. we should learn a new song, maybe with proper harmony :)



kt.

Tina's High School Survival Kit

inside message :)

top view of kit

side view of kit

rope to help keep everything together when times get rough.

Tina's High school survival kit

I put together a little survival kit for my sister, since she's taking the first step into highschool.. i guess i figured it can be slightly daunting... and I guess if i had an older sister i would want her to do something like this for me.

I have to congratulate myself for being such a pro slueth.

i managed to walk past her in such a nonchalant way whilst holding it in my hand that she didn't even notice.

:D

the box i folded using scrap booking paper which was left over.

it was the only paper i had big enough to make a box from. plus its colourful :D

I learnt it on youtube and its actually a really easy to follow tutorial :)

so go youtube it if any of you are interested.

I bought her:

• a set of three pens, blue, black and red. (the hello kitty ones from fancy world)





• a cute sticky note pad. :)





• a set of miniature wooden pegs, for organising her notes





• and some string, to keep her life together and her family and friends close in times of need and stress.

its not much... but i think she'll like it.

here are some more photos.. and my messy desk..

the box open and the letter,

the alphabet pegs

the box closed up

the thing behind the pegs is the stickynote pad. its actually the face of a bunny rabbit.

i finally feel old.

so this is what its like to be responsible;

katie,

something which annoyed me

something which annoyed me today.

Got told behind my back (literally) by some PLC girl sitting behind us that joey and I were like three year olds.
but lets start at the beginning.

Today, I attended the last day of the MedEntry workshop with Joey, Amy and Zil.
anyway, for those of you who know and for those of you who don't, joey has a very... creative you could say.. (for lack of a better word) pacer in the form of a needle.
And me being me and Joey being her, and since we were at a lecture about med, we found that this pacer was very appropriate for the occasion :).
so we were being silly, and having a bit of a laugh during the 5 min break, and basically giving each other "injections". harmless stuff really. harmless in the sense that we weren't harming ourselves and weren't harming anyone around us.
anyway there were these 2 girls sitting behind us, who I thought at first were having a laugh with us. but as it turned out, they were actually having a laugh at us. So Joey and I ignored it, as you do with people who don't deserve your attention. But eventually their laughter sounded more like snickering and one girl said loudly enough for us to hear. "they're like three year olds".
i pretended i didn't hear them. but soon after we stopped what we were doing anyway.

if it had been in another situation, i would have turned around and asked them if they would like to say that again to my face.
I find there is nothing worse with people who talk behind your back, and intentionally do so for you to hear.
I wish I could have told her that before she calls others "three year olds" to consider her own maturity level. Seeing as true maturity lies not in judging what others do but rather in what you do in turn. which obviously was at the time putting joey and i down to feign her own superiority.
what irritates me, is that Joey and I weren't even doing anything that was harming anyone else. Sure we were being a little immature, and yes we were having a laugh at each other but in all seriousness there was no need for her to belittle us, or devalue us. I just wished some people would be "mature" enough to appreciate that, and perhaps not view others in such a critical light.

Maybe I'm wrong for judging them too. Perhaps they do have a maturity level beyond me and joey. I admit, I can be pretty immature at times, but I wouldn't have insulted complete strangers from behind. There's just no need for that... right? I surely would not me immature to the extent where i was hurting another person.
what i do know, is that I wouldn't want my future doctor to judge me, or treat me with the condescension we were viewed with today.

ironically, what we learnt today was a perfect example of how one should view others.

How we view the world is a reflection of ourselves...

So in light of what others do, I think we shouldn't judge. i judge people alot. I know i do and i really hate it. because i know from experience that i'm usually wrong. in a way I'm glad neither Joey nor I retaliated to their uncalled for remark. It would have definitely lowered us to the same level as the girls sitting behind us.


kt

these are a few of my favourite things.

just something about these cages...

l

l

l

bluejay

is a very pretty name for a bird :)

10 facts

10facts

l

1. I'm not sure how to spell wierd... or is it weird...

l

2. I try to colour code my wardrobe

l

3. I wear dresses because I can't be bothered putting an outfit together

l

4. I get thirsty after a shower

l

5. I like miniatures. e.g miniature soaps, miniature shampoos, miniature boxes, miniature things on necklaces

l

6. Right now, I love birdcages. Not your average ones, the very classic, old fashioned dome ones.

l

7. I started painting again this holiday. Re-fell in love with my water colours

l

8. I can't sleep with the aircon on. It makes me think of my increasingly large eco-footprint.

l

9. My favourite item as of now is my mum's L'Air du Temps perfume bottle by Nina Ricci. Just the bottle, not the actual perfume. :)

l

10. I sleep with 4 pillows.

we are so fragile

we are so fragile.

she's dying of liver cancer.
and the worst part is knowing.
knowing and waiting for it to happen.
wish i was young enough to not understand.
How selfish i am.
but I really don't want to see this,
I don't want to see this.
please don't let me see this.

realisations

yesterday, i came to the realisation that the HSC is now.
i knew this since year twelve started but i never felt the full extent of it.
so, what happened was i was at a family friends gathering event, and there was this guy (thats right contact with the other sex), but his gender is really decide the point, the more important aspect (or less important) was the fact that he got a 99.85 ATAR this year. *puts head under pillow and cries*
no im not jealous, just in awe.
and suprise suprise, he's going into a health science, if not medicine. because we're asian and that's what we all do.
He kinda non-intentionally intimidated me, he obviously studied very hard. I know alot of people tell me i study hard, but it really got me thinking, am i doing the best that i can? There are definitely moments in my day, well especially this holiday, where i spend HOURS just sitting in front of the computer watching youtube videos. the guilt just slices me from the inside. crawls under my skin. I get goosebumps and have to tell myself to breathe because i feel so bad sometimes. and then it becomes worry and i remember all the work i haven't done. All this happens in the space of about a few seconds, I can't tell you how much pyschological guilt it gives me by procrastinating, but i do it anyway. But I think its this immense guilt and fear of not doing work that drives me. People often mistake it for motivation.
He told me he studied for the UMAT during his christmas holiday this time next year. he also told me i should definitely write my english essays, and get them out of the way.
Things that i havnet been doing. and being my usual stressed out, worried self i had a little silent freak out inside.
Now, i would love to say i went to sleep last night, bursting to take on the next day and write that belonging practice essay, but when i woke up, i didn't, i came up with some points, spent most of the day reading anil's ghost (which is semi-productive i guess) then went on youtube.
But i know now i have to change. and i'm going to put my foot down and i'm going to try finish that belonging essay tmr and if not atleast write half of it.



to anyone who reads this, its really for me. Like kirsten sometimes says on her blog, its just a way of documenting my feelings, and someway of letting it out. I get stressed very easily, and i don't handle it very well, and sometimes I crack. this is just a way of trying to let out some of that pressure before it becomes to much. If you read this, don't worry haha, i'm ok :)


kt