realisations

yesterday, i came to the realisation that the HSC is now.
i knew this since year twelve started but i never felt the full extent of it.
so, what happened was i was at a family friends gathering event, and there was this guy (thats right contact with the other sex), but his gender is really decide the point, the more important aspect (or less important) was the fact that he got a 99.85 ATAR this year. *puts head under pillow and cries*
no im not jealous, just in awe.
and suprise suprise, he's going into a health science, if not medicine. because we're asian and that's what we all do.
He kinda non-intentionally intimidated me, he obviously studied very hard. I know alot of people tell me i study hard, but it really got me thinking, am i doing the best that i can? There are definitely moments in my day, well especially this holiday, where i spend HOURS just sitting in front of the computer watching youtube videos. the guilt just slices me from the inside. crawls under my skin. I get goosebumps and have to tell myself to breathe because i feel so bad sometimes. and then it becomes worry and i remember all the work i haven't done. All this happens in the space of about a few seconds, I can't tell you how much pyschological guilt it gives me by procrastinating, but i do it anyway. But I think its this immense guilt and fear of not doing work that drives me. People often mistake it for motivation.
He told me he studied for the UMAT during his christmas holiday this time next year. he also told me i should definitely write my english essays, and get them out of the way.
Things that i havnet been doing. and being my usual stressed out, worried self i had a little silent freak out inside.
Now, i would love to say i went to sleep last night, bursting to take on the next day and write that belonging practice essay, but when i woke up, i didn't, i came up with some points, spent most of the day reading anil's ghost (which is semi-productive i guess) then went on youtube.
But i know now i have to change. and i'm going to put my foot down and i'm going to try finish that belonging essay tmr and if not atleast write half of it.



to anyone who reads this, its really for me. Like kirsten sometimes says on her blog, its just a way of documenting my feelings, and someway of letting it out. I get stressed very easily, and i don't handle it very well, and sometimes I crack. this is just a way of trying to let out some of that pressure before it becomes to much. If you read this, don't worry haha, i'm ok :)


kt