realisations

yesterday, i came to the realisation that the HSC is now.
i knew this since year twelve started but i never felt the full extent of it.
so, what happened was i was at a family friends gathering event, and there was this guy (thats right contact with the other sex), but his gender is really decide the point, the more important aspect (or less important) was the fact that he got a 99.85 ATAR this year. *puts head under pillow and cries*
no im not jealous, just in awe.
and suprise suprise, he's going into a health science, if not medicine. because we're asian and that's what we all do.
He kinda non-intentionally intimidated me, he obviously studied very hard. I know alot of people tell me i study hard, but it really got me thinking, am i doing the best that i can? There are definitely moments in my day, well especially this holiday, where i spend HOURS just sitting in front of the computer watching youtube videos. the guilt just slices me from the inside. crawls under my skin. I get goosebumps and have to tell myself to breathe because i feel so bad sometimes. and then it becomes worry and i remember all the work i haven't done. All this happens in the space of about a few seconds, I can't tell you how much pyschological guilt it gives me by procrastinating, but i do it anyway. But I think its this immense guilt and fear of not doing work that drives me. People often mistake it for motivation.
He told me he studied for the UMAT during his christmas holiday this time next year. he also told me i should definitely write my english essays, and get them out of the way.
Things that i havnet been doing. and being my usual stressed out, worried self i had a little silent freak out inside.
Now, i would love to say i went to sleep last night, bursting to take on the next day and write that belonging practice essay, but when i woke up, i didn't, i came up with some points, spent most of the day reading anil's ghost (which is semi-productive i guess) then went on youtube.
But i know now i have to change. and i'm going to put my foot down and i'm going to try finish that belonging essay tmr and if not atleast write half of it.



to anyone who reads this, its really for me. Like kirsten sometimes says on her blog, its just a way of documenting my feelings, and someway of letting it out. I get stressed very easily, and i don't handle it very well, and sometimes I crack. this is just a way of trying to let out some of that pressure before it becomes to much. If you read this, don't worry haha, i'm ok :)


kt

time.

ok, late update.
i meant to do this a while ago.. but holidays can get really busy..
i dont even know what ive been doing these last few days... weeks..
where did all my time go?!
yeh i've been wasting time..
at first i was telling myself to take a break and just relax.. and now its so hard to get into the mood to work.

worried. but in denial about all this work.
i WANT to do it. but i can't do it..
can't bring myself to write that essay,
and do those responses to belonging..
its mainly just english work.
i mean i procrastinate from doing english by doing chem or maths or ancient.
which are the only other three subjecst i have.
and right now im procrastinating from that by writing this.

when will i ever bring myself to doing work again.
and that 1500 word crime fiction story that has to get down is like a storm cloud hanging over my head... ALL THE TIME!
just this constant, looming... depressive... presence. that won't go away until i write it
except i feel so unprepared... so ignorant..
how can i write it when i feel as though i dont even know anything about crime fiction yet?!

ok.. i'm going to do some chemistry.. to try get rid of this guilty feeling.

Death of a Social Life.

today in english i realised that christmas holiday is no longer a holiday.

oh well. atleast, i still have a bludge day tmr, and i still have the christmas party and beach outing to look forward too!

and i would like to organise some study dates with anyone in my english class, and write our essays together or do our practice responses :) that way atleast i have friends to be depressed with.

no really its not that bad. im just being melodramatic.

I am going to make sure to do some things for me. just me. :)

and a HUGE thankyou to Kirsten.

I was so touched by ur thoughtful presents today, you are one of the most generous, beautiful people I have been lucky enough to know, thankyou so much for being a part of my life :) and goodluck to you me and chloe tmr on stage.

(can i wish myself goodluck? or is that just weird?)

Yay im going to have jam on my toast tmr for brekkie ;D

xx

kt

A special gift

I came home from school today, and found dry ice evaporating away in our drive way.

turns out that my dad brought home a box of dry ice from the operation today.

and inside used to be a bone.

Tibia. the one down the side of your shin.

so awesome. he did a bone replacement. well not my dad... he was one of the nurses in the operation.

But, earlier today someone died, and chose to donote a part of their body, and because of that, an operation took place at Royal Northshore Private.

isn't it amazing how things link together? how one person's decision can change another person's life?

I sort of feel like I have had a small part in this, because now the box which once held the bone is sitting in our front yard.

if only i wasn't so uncomfortable with bodily fluids, and cut open veins.

I would love to one day be brave enough to operate.

kt

3am in the morning

stayed up to 3 am in the morning.

wrote 14 pages of chem notes.

woke up feeling strangely unsatiated by work.

re-engerised but ravenous.

12:41 pm

going to make myself a ginormous breakfast now :)

kt.

things that make me sad.

here's something that hurts me inside.
heres something that makes me quite sad.

never is a long time.
& us not having a proper conversation ever again,
scares me.
I won't think about it anymore.
but,
I know i always acted like i was indifferent to you.

I wasn't.


too late now.




kt.

Mr Worry.

I realised that I am a BIG time worrier. Actaully I've known this for quite some time now. I worry about big things, and when i dont have bing things to worry about, i end up subconciously finding little things to worry about instead.

will someone please get me a chill-pill?

kt