time.

ok, late update.
i meant to do this a while ago.. but holidays can get really busy..
i dont even know what ive been doing these last few days... weeks..
where did all my time go?!
yeh i've been wasting time..
at first i was telling myself to take a break and just relax.. and now its so hard to get into the mood to work.

worried. but in denial about all this work.
i WANT to do it. but i can't do it..
can't bring myself to write that essay,
and do those responses to belonging..
its mainly just english work.
i mean i procrastinate from doing english by doing chem or maths or ancient.
which are the only other three subjecst i have.
and right now im procrastinating from that by writing this.

when will i ever bring myself to doing work again.
and that 1500 word crime fiction story that has to get down is like a storm cloud hanging over my head... ALL THE TIME!
just this constant, looming... depressive... presence. that won't go away until i write it
except i feel so unprepared... so ignorant..
how can i write it when i feel as though i dont even know anything about crime fiction yet?!

ok.. i'm going to do some chemistry.. to try get rid of this guilty feeling.

Death of a Social Life.

today in english i realised that christmas holiday is no longer a holiday.

oh well. atleast, i still have a bludge day tmr, and i still have the christmas party and beach outing to look forward too!

and i would like to organise some study dates with anyone in my english class, and write our essays together or do our practice responses :) that way atleast i have friends to be depressed with.

no really its not that bad. im just being melodramatic.

I am going to make sure to do some things for me. just me. :)

and a HUGE thankyou to Kirsten.

I was so touched by ur thoughtful presents today, you are one of the most generous, beautiful people I have been lucky enough to know, thankyou so much for being a part of my life :) and goodluck to you me and chloe tmr on stage.

(can i wish myself goodluck? or is that just weird?)

Yay im going to have jam on my toast tmr for brekkie ;D

xx

kt

A special gift

I came home from school today, and found dry ice evaporating away in our drive way.

turns out that my dad brought home a box of dry ice from the operation today.

and inside used to be a bone.

Tibia. the one down the side of your shin.

so awesome. he did a bone replacement. well not my dad... he was one of the nurses in the operation.

But, earlier today someone died, and chose to donote a part of their body, and because of that, an operation took place at Royal Northshore Private.

isn't it amazing how things link together? how one person's decision can change another person's life?

I sort of feel like I have had a small part in this, because now the box which once held the bone is sitting in our front yard.

if only i wasn't so uncomfortable with bodily fluids, and cut open veins.

I would love to one day be brave enough to operate.

kt

3am in the morning

stayed up to 3 am in the morning.

wrote 14 pages of chem notes.

woke up feeling strangely unsatiated by work.

re-engerised but ravenous.

12:41 pm

going to make myself a ginormous breakfast now :)

kt.

things that make me sad.

here's something that hurts me inside.
heres something that makes me quite sad.

never is a long time.
& us not having a proper conversation ever again,
scares me.
I won't think about it anymore.
but,
I know i always acted like i was indifferent to you.

I wasn't.


too late now.




kt.

Mr Worry.

I realised that I am a BIG time worrier. Actaully I've known this for quite some time now. I worry about big things, and when i dont have bing things to worry about, i end up subconciously finding little things to worry about instead.

will someone please get me a chill-pill?

kt

a nice place to start

I feel like this is a nice blog to start with, since today marks a new beginning.

some people may already know that religion has been a ambigous affair for me, mostly because I was never brought up in a very religious environment.

When I was around the ages of 7, 8,9 (can't really remember) i used to go with my paternal grandma on a sunday to a buddhist church. That was about as religious as it was for me, and even then I went not for the religion but to play with all the other kids, who like me, were there to muck around. So its safe to say, that I never accepted any sort of religion in my life. It wasn't until i started Highschool, that I really started to think about what I believed in. I went along with scripture lessons, but then again it was to get out of maths. my friends were not devout christians, and if they were, then they never really openly invited me to church with them. The bottom line was, i gave Christianity some thought, but not enough to have the motivation to look into it seriously. So a few years go by...

Then i get into hornsby Girls. Its not hard to say how happy i was. i was REALLY happy, but i never saw it as God's way of showing me to him. At the time, it was purely an academic achievement.

In 2009 I started Hornsby girls. It was quite hard for me at first, not just the changing of schools but the whole thing about year 11 being a jump in standards. Standards that I felt were beyond me. For the first few months, I cried almost every week at home. Emotionally, I'm quite weak, I worried the heck out of my parents, who thought i was heading towards a mental breakdown. I remember after tutoring one night, sitting in the car with my dad and just crying. At that moment I felt so hopeless. It was a point in my life where I had to step back and think about what all this effort and stres was for. Was it just for the HSC? and my answer was yes. but then on year 11 camp with the girls, we had bible study (devotion?) sorry, still learning the ropes :(, and it really opened my eyes to the bigger picture of life, other than all the studying, and family, and friends, there was God. and up to this point. God had never been a part of my life. I would love to say that, THAT night, there and then I clicked my fingers and became Christian. But I didn't. But I recognised it was my first step...

The second step was Sylvia, and Lynn inviting me to church. It was slightly intimidating at first. Intimidating in a good way, to be immersed by people who radiated faith. literally. I was so overcome by how strongly they believed in God. Something that nobody could prove, but to me, their faith was the proof. Proof that there must be a divine inspiration up there. But I still didn't see myself as Christian. I was inspired by them, and I knew somewhere inside I was inspired by what they had.

More time passed. exams. Stress.Year 11 finishes and Year 12 kicks in. I start getting really excited for the end of the year, and Christmas is around the corner. The church experience had started to fade for me, I had gotten carried away by everything else in life. then a week ago lynn sends me a text asking if i wanted to join her at Church the coming Sunday.

So there I was today. overwhelmed again but this time something changed. I became a Christian. I was always uncertain about what truly defined being Christina. I would pray to God at night, but when people asked me "are you Christian?" i found myself not being able to say "yes i am". I mean, was it that simple?, just recognising God in my life, and Jesus as my saviour? what made me different to everyone else who did that? How did i really know I was a Christian? Today I came to the realisation that I am. I am a Christian, on a journey to learn more about Christianity, and build my relationship with God. Saying that (or typing this) gives me a sense of certainty and relief. I feel liberated :)

Thankyou God.

now, i feel like putting in a photo... just to try this. :D

kt

hello

this is my new procrastination tool.