a matter of Asian identity

case 1.
I was sitting in chatswood chase food court with friends a few days ago when an elderly asian lady walks up to me and asks if I'm japanese. Naturally I assume she's looking for directions so I reply no I'm not but Lynn (who was sitting next to me) can speak Japanese. so she goes to lynn and asks do you want to rent a room?
*confused and awkward silence* and we're like no... and lynn says we live here (in her polite lynn-way) and the little old lady asks again "so you don't want to rent a room"
yeh... i'm sure she was just a harmless old lady but it was kinda out of the blue. For a moment I thought she was a family friend who I'd forgotten or something. apparently not.

case 2.
job hunting can be a little nerve racking, and whilst i was walking through Chatswood westfield and Chase today, I realised that certain stores look for certain types of people. types of people that talk a certain way, move a certain way, dress a certain way. let me give you an example. Alannah Hill; skinny girls, wearing whimsical clothing and doll makeup. Boost; bubbly, extroverts. (I didnt apply at either of these places). Instead one of the places where i went to hand in a resume was at a sushi bar. I thought ok, i'm asian, they're asian. this shouldnt be too bad. they were really busy, which is understandable cos it was like around lunch time (hint: don't hand resumes to food places and cafes during lunch time) but i had plenty of time so i waited. when the customer flow died down a little. i walked up to the counter agaiin, and one of the asian lady's looks and me then hurriedly asks the asian guy making the sushi. who then shouts a hello to me in korean, and so i reply. sorry i don't speak korean. and then the guy kinda frowns and shakes his head at the lady (by then i obviously got the message) and so she comes over to me and says "sorry korean only".

case 3.
went to an italian restuarant last night for Tina's end of year basketball dinner. and as we come down the stairs two (rather large) Italian men, look me and my sister up and down and then say to my dad. "you have beautiful girls" and then adds "chinese people love Italian food". I almost asked him "do Italian people love Chinese food?"

case 4.
I was walking through Chatswood westfield today by myself and some middle aged european man starts walking beside me. he says the usual, you know "beautiful weather blah blah blah blah"
random "where are you from?"
me "I live here" *quickens pace*
random "oh you live here.. are you japanese?"
me "I'm not japanese"
random "oh you look japanese"
me *turns into Seduce*
was i panicky for no reason? what do you guys do when middle aged/old men make small talk. do i assume too early?
i don't know. it makes me feel intensely awkward.
and do i really look japanese?

Post hsc moments

I've missed hanging out with my mum during the hsc.
We were sitting in the kitchen after my last hsc exam and we ended up on the topic of goodlooking celebrities.
Reliving our chem titanic moments I said leonardo di caprio and mums like
"I like jack hughman."

haha :) I love you mum

train moments with strangers

today was a nice day :)
english ext went better than maths ext yesterday, so i really can't complain.
am I the only one who liked the creative better than the essay question?
everyone walked out saying how good the essay question was..
and i agree it wasn't as bad as i expected, but I didn't seem to engage with it all that well.
I didn't get that feeling where it just clicks, and you get into it.
oh well! :) just glad that its over.
now what do i do with all these essays?
i feel bad just chucking it away...

i like catching trains by myself. but don't start avoiding me on the train.. that's not what i mean.
it's just sometimes i enjoy just sitting there on the train, and not thinking about anything. and because hornsby to chatswood or visa versa is a good 30 minutes or so, it's nice to sometimes watch people go on and off. The best thing (well not reaaaally the BEST thing..) is when you sorta smile at a stranger and they smile back. (am i the biggest cheese or what). stop trying to imagine me sitting there and just smiling at randoms, it's true i probably do look like the world's biggest loser on city rail. so today i was sitting on the train heading back to chatswood, and as usual the semi-automatic sliding doors between compartments was broken, and you suddenly notice that it's really loud when the train starts moving. So there's this private girl sitting opposite me. probably in year 10 (total guess). and i know we are both thinking the same thing. damn you over-priced public transport system with faulty doors. so i get up, and with much struggling, i pull the doors closed. THEN two stops later, of course, people get on the train, and find all of a sudden that this carriage is not at all to their fancy, and must instead move to the adjacent carriage, through the faulty doors, and (of course) leaving said unclosing doors open. the noise returns. so there i am thinking. bugger it, someone's just going to walk through them again, i might as well just put up with the noise. but instead the girl opposite me, following my example goes and closes it, turns around and smiles at me. it was such a nice thing. i don't even know why. but when strangers do things for you that they really didn't have to, it just makes my day. That is my favourite thing about public transport. For half an hour of your day, your life comes into contact with another person, who you may never see again. someone who you will probably never know the name of. or care if they have an accident later that day, or spill coffee down their shirt. There's so much unspoken-ness on public transport. and i guess when you smile at someone, and they smile back it's just, nice. nice to know that an absolute stranger just said hi, "goodmorning to you to, i hope you have a good day" without saying a word at all. That makes me smile :)

second nice encounter today was in sportsgirl chatswood. sportsgirl chatswood and i share a strange relationship. it's sort of the place where i go after an exam. 9/10 times i won't buy anything, but it sort of tops off a nice, ordinary day. today after i got off at chatswood. i walk into sg, and im browsing around, and this bubbly shop assistant approaches me, and she says "I almost didn't recognise that uniform", and what do you know! she was a hornsby girl in '06. so we had a nice chat, about school and exams and being gradually numbed by the hsc. and it was just so sweet of her to come over and say hi.

then i walked home feeling like nothing could dampen my spirits. (no i truly did) not even when i got to the front door realised that i had no keys to actually get inside the house. mum was asleep from her night shifts, and dad was at work and tina wasnt going to get home till like 4. and it was not even 1:30 yet. so i sat on the door step, still just as happy, until dad called me to ask how my exam went and i told him that i couldnt get inside the house. In the end i managed to get in, by building a tower out of various buckets, spare pots and a mini table that i found in our front yard. I ended up breaking the bucket, by jumping on it, but on the plus side i got over the fence. kudos for me. Coco thought i was playing some game, so she was jumping up and down at the bottom of the fence, whilst i was hanging on for my dear life at the top. note to self: house keys.

then i went and walked coco, i ended up at the park for two hours :)
and that was pretty much my day.
my leg is sore from all this physical exertion. can't bring self to study, eurgh.

doggie

one of the best things about owning a dog, is that you become part of your neighbourhood's dog community, and not only do you make new friends but your dog does too :)

that being said, I saw the most beautiful breed of dog the other day, and I asked the owner, and they said it was a rhodesian ridgeback (not to be confused withe the norwegian ridgeback, which is the dragon in the fourth book of Harry Potter) lol.

Coco was sort of put off by that dog though... strangely because she usually gets along with everyone (dog and humans inclusive)

but I did some research, and it is a type of hound which has originated from Africa, but more muscular, and was used as a hunting dog for big game such as cheetahs and lions. It also is sometimes known as the lion dog. Their personality is very loyal, but can be head strong and obstinate at times, but will listen to an owner who is not meek, and easily pushed over. (damn) very sociable, if trained properly at a young age and allowed to socialise with other dogs, and they make very good jogging buddies (yay!)

maybe one day when I'm older and have a larger backyard, and learn how to reassert myself, I will get one :), definitely going to keep this breed in mind. You will understand when you see the dog in real life. It's huge! but when it runs it's like a horse, so graceful, smaller than a great dane, but similar build, with an amazingly sleek coat. and down its back it has a ridge of fur going in the opposite direction (hence the name).

I even found a name for my prospective pet, Zuri (meaning beautiful in Swahili). Yes, i'm getting a little over my head.

it is now part of my plan for when i move out.

buy a house. buy a puppy!

then maybe i'll think about marriage and kids.

or maybe I'll just become an old lady and live with my six dogs.

:)

xx

kt

p.s Coco is well, still as playful as ever even at one and a half, which is around 17 in dog years. So she's my age! she keeps my company when I study downstairs, and warms my feet in winter. and when you fall asleep, she sleeps next to you. :) She has chewed through all her toys bar one, and her old soccer ball. She ate my tissue this morning, after she ate a corner of my toasted sandwich. I couldn't imagine a day without her lost little face! I'm glad the weather's finally cleared so I can take a break from my studies to walk her this arvo :)

awkward

hi,

you know what's awkward?

guys you don't know shouting inappropriate things at you on the street from their cars.

and you don't want to look up at them, because you can feel them watching you and you wonder why you don't have the power to turn invisible at times like these.

kt.

i felt the need

i felt the need to blog,

after all... you only get to graduate from highschool once

and the more I think/write/talk about then the better i will remember it for the future (hopefully)

even now its hard to believe i've graduated.

it feels so surreal to think that i won't ever have a chemistry class accompanied by chocolate, an english class without Mrs Palgan's exaggerated expressions, an ancient class without chupachups and fractured fairytales or a maths class without Mr Payne's unexpected hilarity. (:D)

It's true. I'm going to miss the little things the most. the things that i took for granted everyday. i will miss the bell times, the running into roll call late, the carrying of textbooks, the eating of lunch at every other time except lunch, the breaking into song, the random comments, laughing with and being laughed at by my favourite girls in the world, the inside jokes, the cottage, the microwave in the cottage, the bits of food left behind in the microwave in the cottage. The insignificant things that cumulate to make high school life so significant.

i'm going to miss our immaturity,our stressful days, our tears when things don't turn out the way we planned.

I'll carry all this with me for as long as I can. I hope even when I'm 82 years old I can call you girls up and have wheelchair races down the corridors of Hornsby Girls' High.

kt

drowning

why does it feel like that every time i come up for a breath,
i only breath in a lung full of water.
my whole body is water logged and heavy, and i feel like there's no point in trying anymore.



things will better.
things will get better.
things will get better.
this is my mantra
you cannot defeat me. i will not give up.